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I’ve been terrified to post this, because it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Because “It wasn’t like that with me, was it?” (translation: “This can’t be happening to me”. Because my friends have already been hurt enough by this asshole and they don’t need anymore pain because of him.

With all the sexual abuse on Youtube that’s been coming out lately, I’ve been feeling more and more like I should finally say something. I knew a lot of the people this happened to. I knew about it when it was happening. My friends were getting hurt and there was nothing I could do about it at the time.

But now I can speak out. I’ll say it. And maybe by doing that I can help others come forward.

I knew Harry because of a mutual friend of ours. We met in 2012 because somebody was making something for Youtube. They came down to Essex (where I was living at the time) with another guy to shoot a video with a friend of ours. I was invited over to help out at the last minute because I lived close by, I was good friends with the person who had invited everyone over, and I was also a content creator on the site at the time. So I went over and we met, and it seemed like we really hit it off. We took a bunch of cutesie selfies together, we bounced creative ideas off of each other, we flirted a lot, and we cuddled up on the sofa for most of the evening. I went home, all of us chatted via BlogTV I think it was? It was funny and great and I thought I’d had a really good evening.

They added me on Skype the same night. We started chatting, flirting and joking. It was I think maybe a week after this flirting started, maybe less, I broke up with my then girlfriend. I’d been talking to him about her during that time, and I thought he’d been helping me through it, giving me advice on how to maybe fix my relationship. When I look back on it, he was really just encouraging me to break up with her.

So the time came and I did break up with her, and I believe it was a combination of what he had said, actual issues within our relationship, and also the fact that I’d just gotten out of my first serious long term relationship and I was still pretty torn up about that.

That same night when I thought he was comforting me through it, he made a move on me. I was crying, hurting, and I was the most vulnerable I’d been that entire year. Possibly in my entire life. But he still made sexual advances. I was 16, naive, hurt, and I fell for it because I thought I needed someone to cry on, and he was there. That entire year I was really fucked up and mentally ill, and he took advantage of that.

After that they’d often approach me via Skype, calling me his “good girl” and coercing me into doing things, things that, in retrospect, I wasn’t comfortable with. But I thought I owed it to him because of how “kind” he’d been to me, and he was older and more experienced and I wanted to impress him.

He encouraged me to send nudes (which, by the way, is illegal under the age of 18). I felt I had to or I’d lose his interest. He’d brag to me about the girls he’d fucked, ask me if I’d do what they’d done with him, asking me to come over to his house while his family was away, and then send me messages about how disappointed he was that I hadn’t come over, despite the fact that my parents weren’t comfortable with me traveling further than London, and that I really couldn’t afford it. He’d make me feel like crap because I couldn’t go and service his fucking dick.

There was a time when I publicly came forward about my experiences with rape. He DM’d me and made it all about him and his “crazy/psycho” ex girlfriend and it really felt like he was trying to one up me. Sure, share your experiences with people you trust if you feel comfortable in doing so, but when someone’s just opened up to you, don’t say “Oh that sucks, but hey I’ve had it worse, let me tell you about how your experiences don’t compare to mine”.

To understand what I’m about to say, you must know that all of our relationship was very hushed up. He didn’t want anybody to know about us, as if he were ashamed of me.There was a girl we both knew at the time I was having relations with Harry. She was young and infatuated with him, and from what I know about and what I can guess, had probably been manipulated too. I won’t talk in depth about her relationship with him, as it isn’t my place, or my business. But eventually she found out that we’d been physical together, and shit hit the fan. She was so angry at me, because this was my fault, obviously I’d seduced him, I was a fucking whore. Harry just stood back and let it happen, let me take all of the blame when it had mostly been him contacting me, initiating all of the sexual contact, asking me for things even when I’d said I wasn’t in the mood. I lost a friend that night. Even now things between us seem very tense.

As I mentioned earlier, I was pretty messed up that year. I’d been battling an addiction with self harm for a long time (I don’t use the word addiction lightly. I needed to hurt myself to get up, to get through the day, to get to sleep at night and so on, and if I didn’t do it I went to a much darker place and I’d panic and shiver and rock back and forth until I did). It was around the time that he was talking to me that it really flared up and I couldn’t stop and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t. I thought we were friends, so I went to him sometimes asking for help, begging him to distract me, talk me down. He always just went offline. If you can’t deal with it for your own mental health, tell me and I’ll back off. But don’t just leave when I’m suicidal as fuck and about to hurt myself and possibly even try to end my life.

The night that the girl found out about us, I felt so awful about the whole fucked up situation I was in that I tried to kill myself. Eventually I told him about it and he guilted the fuck out of me. He made me feel the need to give him sexual favours to make up for what I had done.

Finally, our relationship went offline and I went to see him. No one knew where I was. I lied to my parents and told them I was having a sleep over with a friend in London. I got scared on the last train to his station and texted one of my older friends to tell her where I was going, so at least someone knew.

So I got to his house and we were going to have sex. The foreplay happened, I got the condoms out of his draw and oh what a surprise he doesn’t want to wear one! Now where have I heard that before? So, after a pile of what sounded like bullshit excuses, he then persuades me that “I’ll pull out, it’ll be fine, don’t worry” and then got in a bit of a mood when I didn’t want to do that because it wasn’t safe. Eventually I said okay. I didn’t really want to, but I did. And then the next thing happened. My period came early. This was not my fault, I can’t control this, it’s a thing my body does. But no, he got annoyed at me. He got dressed and started ignoring me, and asking me curtly if there was any way for me to go home (there wasn’t) instead of sleeping over. I tentatively suggested that we should maybe watch a film together and just hang out, because I truly believed we were friends. He said shot down my idea. Eventually I started crying because I didn’t know what to do and I was confused and upset. So he sighs like I’m being over dramatic and he cuddles me. And I’m really not in the mood now, not after how he’s treated me. But then he starts playing with my nipples through my jumper and I’m just like “What are you doing?” and he says something along the lines of “I thought you wanted this?” and I’m just sort of laying there with my back to him while he does this to me, stiff and silent. Eventually he kisses me and encourages me to come take a shower with him and he tries to have sex with me in the shower and it doesn’t work because the shower is too small and of course this is again my fault. We end up in his room with the towel spread out on his bed and me laying on my back. And he does pull out but I fucking felt that, you didn’t do it soon enough. I spent the next few weeks scared out of my fucking mind.

I go home the next day and he’s going back to see his family so we get the train together and before he kisses me goodbye he looks around to make sure no one’s looking first.

After that the messages got less and less. He’d had me now, I wasn’t interesting anymore. I was pretty much the last on his list for a booty call because he’d gotten what he wanted, he’d had my body. I was used up.

That was my experience with him. I had to force myself not to vomit multiple times whilst writing this post. I thought I was over this, I thought I was healing, but I guess I’m not quite so much as I thought I was.

Please angels, if you ever feel used or manipulated, or if you think a friend is but they can’t see it, try your best to speak up. It’s taken me two years to speak up about this. I love you all, keep yourselves safe.

Filed under abuse tw sexual abuse tw harry gilliat hard g

907 notes

The AMAB Wardrobe

transresource:

Here is a post that AMAB trans folks might find useful. It is about how to do your makeup, feminize your voice, where to buy wigs etc.

Note 1: I have not used the shops listed myself, so I cannot give a review on them. Use the websites at your own risk and I cannot be held…

(via gabsygabs)

5,149 notes

puppyiero:

valiumblue:

i love this because it’s so iconic
they just look so much like the ‘characters’ of the era, and the shitty quality of the photo gives such a raw edge to the otherwise highly stylized aesthetic of ‘revenge’
they’re young and it shows, i just love it

FUCK GERARDS EYES

puppyiero:

valiumblue:

i love this because it’s so iconic

they just look so much like the ‘characters’ of the era, and the shitty quality of the photo gives such a raw edge to the otherwise highly stylized aesthetic of ‘revenge’

they’re young and it shows, i just love it

FUCK GERARDS EYES

(via welcometothebunnyparade)

5,429 notes

juilan:

Latino and Black Queer people created and pioneered “gay culture” and that’s really it so please spare me the bullshit if you’re white. The only “tea” you ever spilled was back in the 1700s.

(via notquiteluke)

50,622 notes

neku0001:

aqua-twin:

"Maybe you’re not [heterosexual/homosexual/some kind of allosexual], maybe you’re just [insert love interests name]-sexual"

NO, NO THERE IS AN ACTUAL LEGITIMATE NAME FOR THAT

THERE IS A NAME FOR ONLY BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THOSE YOU HAVE A DEEP EMOTIONAL BOND WITH 

image

INFO BOOST THIS PLEASE IT’S REAL

(via notquiteluke)

10,741 notes

unpleasantmyles:

TOM MILSOM / hexachordal

Here’s the post Olga made about Tom Milsom. And another. Third.
Hank and John Green talking about Tom.
Melissa Anelli’s post about Tom.
TomSka talking about this whole situation
Tom writing on twitter.
Alan about Tom and donating to RAINN.
In this video, from a year ago, at the 35 minute mark, a guy called Joe who made videos in 2008/9 talks about Tom Milsom acting inappropriately when Joe was 14/15 and Tom was 20.

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MIKE LOMBARDO / MikeLombardoMusic

Hayley G. Hovers post about Mike Lombardo.
Morgan’s post about Mike.
Hank and John Green posting about Mike.
Meg’s post about Mike.
Savannah’s post about Mike.

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ALEX DAY / nerimon

First Anonymous person talking about Alex.
Second Anonymous person reblogging the first person.
Third Anonymous person talking about Alex.
Damien coming forward about Alex.
Tikken talking about her former relationship with Alex. And here.
Lex talking about Alex. and another post.
Lindsey talking about Alex. Also here and here.
Nephiesworld talking about Alex.
Louise talking about Alex.
Kerri’s post about Alex and unnamed Canadian YouTuber
Tove’s post about Alex and unnamed British YouTuber.

Alex Day defending himself.
"I don’t know about anyone else but when I read Alex’s post it seemed (as Marina would say) hella manipulative. From what I’ve gathered he knows what to say and when to say it which is how all of this started." (x)

First Anonymous person responding to Alex’s defense-post
Second Anonymous person responding to Alex’s post: [ONE] - [TWO] 
Hank Green talking about Alex Day.

Alex Day realizing he was wrong. Then read this! And this!!

Lindsey responding to Alex’s second post realizing he was wrong
Carrie writes on twitter. Responds to a postTumblr post.
Charlie McDonnell about Alex Day.

The Wiki-page about Alex is not updated. Continuing the discussion

Carrie has been seen hanging out with Alex. Her response.
Alex has been ‘reaching out’ to (teenage, female) friends.
His book deal might be cancelled

Alex defending himself on facebook.
Alex writing on reddit. A photo of him in Camden. x.

(A blog that has reblogged most posts about Alex Day)

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Deathsy taking about Alex, Tom and Ed.

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ED BLANN / eddplant

The first post about Ed by Hannah.
Another post about Ed.  
Eddplant’s post about “the past 24 hours…”

YouTube: Ed uploaded a new video on the 6th of June 2014, singing a song called “Inhuman Nature”. I am not going to link the video since I DO NOT encourage you to watch it. Don’t show your support for him in anyway.

VideoMorgan’s video about Ed returning. (It also has the lyrics in the description if you’re curious of what he’s singing about).
Ed deleting a negative comment Hannah made (one of the girls he abused)
Hannah’s comment that was deleted
Liam’s thoughts on Ed’s video.
Lex’s thoughts on Ed returning to YouTube.

Ed has returned to twitter.

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TOM McLEAN / frezned

Frezned (Tom McLean) being accused

He hasn’t acknowledged the accusations against him.

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JOSH MACEDO / confusedtree

One article about Josh Macedo.
And another masterpost about him.

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KELLY MONTOYA / K3LLYRI0T

One post about Kelly Montoya.

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DANNY HOOPER / danmann44

Danny Hooper being accused by Laura. Laura reblogging her post.
Second post about Danny by nephiesworld. (link not working)
Another post about Danny by goshpenny.
UPDATED: An anonymous ask about Danny.
A video of Danny inventing a new sopio card.

Danny is now back on twitter after a 3 month silence

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ALEX CARPENTER / AlexanderCarpenter

Rosi talking about Alex Carpenter
Sarah Snitch talking about Alex Carpenter
Scrabblized’s post about Alex Carpenter.
Llouteasdale’s post about Alex.
Halliedarling’s post about Alex.
Sunny Williams’ post about Alex
Jenn Hammond’s post about Alex and the Wizard Rock Community.
Emma’s post about Alex.
Kellelucas’s post about Alex.

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ADAM ROACH / TheGearsKeepTurning

A post about TheGearsKeepTurning by Elizabeth. This post rebloggedElizabeth’s friend confirming her post.
A post about Adam (thegearskeepturning) by Alice.
Beccy’s post about Adam.
Maria’s post about Adam.
Rumlittleskallywag’s post about Adam.
Cass’ post about Adam.
Another (short but still important) post about Adam by hodor-kingofwesteros.

And here is a masterpost about The GearsKeepTurning with all the links above and some more comments.

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LUKE CONARD / lukeconard

Kristina Horner writing about Luke Conard and Alex Day.
Whitney Milam’s post about Alex Carpenter and Luke Conard. Then Rachel Kiley continuing and writing about Luke.

Luke Conard apologizing. But then please read this!
Luke realizing his first apology was terrible and attempting to write a new one. And then read this!

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COREY VIDAL / ApprenticeA

Shannon Antilles writing about Corey Vidal
Corey saying he’s going to make a video about this.
Corey says (again but in a longer post) that he’s going to make a video.
UPDATED: Corey briefly talking about thaccusations against him in a 2.5 h video.

UPDATED: Corey made a tumblr post apologizing
UPDATED: Corey made a video, explaining how he was molested as a child.

UPDATEDMy Story - Corey Vidal | by kerrisvideo

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TRAVIS NEUMEYER / WhatTravisSays

Carson’s post about WhatTravisSays.
Carson’s conversation with Travis.(tw incest & pedophilia)
Fizzylimon’s post about Travis. This post reblogged.
Reyna Villa writes. And here.
Emily’s post about Travis
Nora’s conversation with Travis.

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ALEX ODAM / thealexfrom1994

Alex Odam posting nudes of his ex Hannah.

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GREGORY JACKSON / Onision

A masterpost about him and his former relationships

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STEPHEN PURCELL

Shawn writes about Stephen Purcell.

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BRYON BEAUBIEN / Psyguy  

A masterpost about Psy.
Him trying to apologize

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HARRY GILLIATT / TheHazBeckShow/ Hard G

Updated: Harry saying he will no longer be on the internet.
Updated: Bekn writing a letter about their band seaqueens.
Updated
Bekn continuing to explaining that their band has split up.
Updated: Vincent writing about how Harry. And here.

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Fake post accusing Tyler Oakley.
Fake post accusing Dan Howell was deleted
Fake Post accusing Phil Lester was deleted.

Hank Green about the fake post accusing Tyler Oakley
Hank Green explaining that the Tyler, Dan and Phil stories were fake.

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Liam Dryden talking about what to do now.
Hank Green talking about what has happened.
Lucy talking about what’s happened and speaking up.
Marueen Johnson wrote a post.
Summer in the City addressing safety

A Probation Officer that goes into detail about how offenders see their actions and the way they use language.
An open letter to YouTube about all of this. (read this)

UPDATEDYouTubeSpeaks, a tumblr demanding discussion by popular YouTubers.

//

Victim blaming is wrong. 
If you’re a survivor of sexual assault or abuse, you can get help through RAINN, a great organization. International help.

Educate yourself on what CONSENT means.
What to do if you suspect your friend is a sexual abuser

Video: Lex made a video about what CONSENT means.
Video: Hank Green made a video about CONSENT.
VideoThe Science and Dangers of YouTube Celebrity.
VideoTomSka’s Guide to Gatherings.
Video: Charlie McDonnell: Sex & Consent.
VideoBryarly Bisop: We Are Edited.
Video: Laci Green: Consent 101.
Video: Jack and Dean: Consent (song).

Video: Lidsey: What is Emotional Abuse?

Video: YouTuve Abuse Recovery | Ann McGavin (thegeekyblonde)
Video: Sexual Abuse on YouTube | Pottermoosh
Video: Tell Someone | abb3rz07.
VideoWrongdoings and Growth in Our Community | Teryn Gray.
VideoUNDERAGE SEX & CONSENT | hayleyghoover

Video: Women on YouTube Panel at VidCon 2014

 ”Don’t let anyone else influence your opinions: make an effort to educate yourself on the matter and decide how you feel on your own.” - Lindsey.

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(via sundaegrrl)